


Holiday Blues

by My2BrownEyes



Series: Just Enough Trust [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:49:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My2BrownEyes/pseuds/My2BrownEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the day after Christmas. Steve wakes from a nightmare, but it's Loki who can't go back to sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holiday Blues

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short melancholy thing I wrote around Christmastime when I was tired of reading about sweet happy cookie making and presents and things. I know it's out of season to post now, but it happens right after Just Enough Trust. So here it is. I hope you enjoy.

Loki wakes when he is sharply jostled. Steve is having another nightmare and is starting to thrash and groan in his sleep. The god runs his hand through the blond hair in an effort to soothe the sleeping man.

Steve’s eyes snap open to a darkened room.

“It’s all right, my sweet. You’re safe.”

“Where are we?” the soldier asks, his brow furrowed in confusion.

“A hotel in Calcutta. Yesterday was Christmas. We came to visit Bruce. Do you remember?” Loki is worried. Steve has been having more nightmares lately. After he sees his lover nod, he asks, “Do you wish to talk about it?”

“No,” Steve says with a shiver. “It’s over now. There’s no point.”

“If you spoke of it, perhaps they wouldn’t come back.”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” After the words are out of his mouth, he realizes how harsh his tone was. “I’m sorry, Tricks,” he says softly as he wraps his arms around the god. “It was just a dream, just a stupid dream. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“It’s all right,” Loki says again as he runs a hand back and forth over Steve’s arm. “Go back to sleep.”

Steve isn’t sure he can. But he’s holding Silvertongue, and the contact makes him feel safe and loved. And though some of the images remain, they slowly fade as he remembers the day they just had together with their friends.

After a while, the sound of deep, steady breathing comes from the blond man. Loki tries to sleep, but it just won’t come. He quietly and carefully moves Steve, gets out of bed, and leaves the bedroom of their Luxury Suite.

“What are you doing up?” Bruce asks from the lit dining area, a cup of coffee in his hands. 

“Steve had a nightmare. You?”

The scientist shrugs. “The surroundings are a little too luxurious. Makes me nervous.”

Loki makes himself some tea and goes to sit with Bruce at the table. He watches the teabag in the water as it steeps.

“Does he have them often?” Bruce asks.

“Sometimes. More lately. More since you left.”

Eyebrows shoot up. “So you’re blaming this on me?”

“No, of course not. It’s just…an interesting coincidence.”

“Pearl Harbor,” says a voice from the other side of the room.

Bruce smiles. “It appears that the Hawk is up.”

“I know that name,” Loki says. “But I don’t remember from where.”

Clint walks over. “The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, guaranteeing American entry into World War II.” He gets some coffee. “And then there’s the fact that Captain America went down in the winter…went down and didn’t come up for 70 years. Those two things together or apart are probably trigging some bad memories about the war.”

Loki stares at the tea still brewing in his cup. “What should I do?”

Clint takes a seat and shrugs.

Bruce tries to help. “Maybe if you get him to talk about it...”

“I’ve tried. Clint, perhaps you?”

“God, I hate the holidays,” the archer replies.

Bruce agrees with an “Amen”. They clink cups and take a drink.

“I don’t understand,” the god says. “I thought the holidays were meant to be happy occasions, time to be spent with family and friends. But you all seem so…melancholy.”

The scientist tries to explain. “It’s because we’re told that we’re supposed to be happy, but most of us aren’t. And then we feel worse because we aren’t. In my case, it just reminds me of what I don’t have. It’s one of the reasons I decided to leave New York when I did, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.”

There is an emptiness in Loki’s stomach. “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault we’re all here. Steve planned this as a present to me. I thought…”

“I don’t think Steve planned _this_ ,” Bruce says with a wave to the room around them.

“Well, no. As soon as we told Tony, he rather took over. But I thought…I thought you’d be happy to see us.”

“I am,” Bruce quickly corrects. He can tell he’s hurt Loki’s feelings, and he feels guilty. “Of course I am. It’s just a bit much…kinda the exact opposite of what I came here for actually.”

“What Bruce is trying to say and failing miserably at, is that the holidays make us remember what we’ve lost or what we’ve never had,” Clint tries to explain. “For example, I can’t help but wonder where my brother is, if he’s okay. I don’t normally think about it. But since this is supposed to be all about family, I think about him now…miss him.”

The god thinks about his Asgardian family. He wonders if he should be missing them more.

The men sit in silence for a while.

“Loki?” Steve is standing at the doorway to their room, rubbing his eye with his palm. He looks tired and innocent and lost. “I woke up, but you weren’t there.”

The god gets up and immediately goes to his love. “Did you have another dream?”

He shakes his head and looks at the other men in the room. “What’s everyone doing up?”

Clint props his elbows on the table and looks at the cup between his hands. “Oh, just feeling sorry for ourselves.”

“Holiday blues, huh? I had that last year.” Steve puts an arm around Loki’s waist and pulls him close. “This year ‘s different, though. I even have a date to Tony’s New Year’s Eve Party.”

“Oh, yeah. I remember last year’s. You ended up kissing that hot blonde. Man, was I jealous.” Clint smiles. “I ended up with a red head. Not too shabby.”

“You kissed someone?” Loki asks, a flare of jealousy evident in his green eyes.

Bruce comes to the rescue as a look of fear appears over Steve’s face. “It’s a tradition. You’re supposed to kiss someone at the stroke of midnight and drink champagne. I’m sure Steve didn’t like it at all.”

“I didn’t. She tasted like cigarettes. It was awful. All I could think about was you. I didn’t know where you were, if I’d ever see you again.” The blue eyes hold nothing but sincerity.

Loki looks him up and down. “Nice recovery, Captain. You are forgiven.”

“Want some coffee?” Clint asks his fellow soldier.

“Sure.” He and Loki walk to the table as Clint pours him a cup.

“So…bad dreams,” Clint comments.

Steve shoots the god an angry look. “It was nothing.”

Bruce chimes in. “Loki said they’re a pretty regular thing.”

“Loki talks too much.”

“Steve would not be so evasive if it were not so,” Loki reasons.

Clint looks sympathetically at the blond across from him. “What’s eatin’ at ya, Cap?” He watches the super soldier sip coffee and look down. “Okay. I’ll start. I was just tellin’ these guys how I’ve been thinking about my brother. After our parents died, we worked together at the circus. Christmas was one of the few days we didn’t have to work, so we’d spend the day exploring whatever town we happened to be in. Then we’d return and have dinner with the other performers and workers. But that was a long time ago. We had a falling out, lost touch. Now I don’t know where he is or if he’s still alive.”

Bruce asks if the archer could use S.H.I.E.L.D. resources to find him. Clint admits that he could but doesn’t really want to. “We ended up on different sides of the law,” he explains. “If I found him, I might have to take him in.” He looks at Steve. “So, who’s next?”

“I thought I’d be married with a few kids running around,” Bruce tells them. “Before the Other Guy came into my life, I was engaged to the smartest, most beautiful woman in the world. Elizabeth Ross,” he says, enjoying the feel of her name in his mouth. “My beautiful Betty. After the accident, her father started hunting me. You two met him outside the Museum of Natural History that day we went to the Planetarium.”

“Yes. Lovely man.” Loki’s voice drips sarcasm.

“She always insisted on waiting until Christmas Eve to decorate the tree. And we couldn’t open any presents until Christmas morning. Then we’d drink coffee and watch It’s a Wonderful Life.” He smiles sadly and looks down. “I should be in bed with her right now. Instead, here I am drinking coffee with you guys….all thanks to gamma radiation.”

There is silence that gets longer and longer as Loki and Steve wait each other out. The god sighs. “We don’t have Christmas on Asgard. We don’t have seasons, for that matter. This is all very strange and new. But from what Steve has told me, you should spend it with family and friends.” He pauses. “I never knew my parents. They didn’t want me. Apparently I didn’t fit the minimum requirements for a Jotun.” There is a bitterness to his voice that Steve hasn’t heard in a while.

Loki continues. “My adopted father found me exposed on the ground as he was slaughtering my people and decided to take me in. He raised me as one of his own but with a much more severe hand than the one used on his natural son. I didn’t understand it at the time, but now I do.” He takes a moment to breathe. “But you know all this. My point is that you are all more family to me than the people who bore me or raised me. And I consider myself very fortunate to have found all of you…and that you were able to forgive me.”

Steve places his hand over Loki’s and gives it a little squeeze. “I’m afraid of losing you,” he confesses. “It’s good. It hasn’t been this good in…well…ever. The last time it was even close, I lost my best friend, and then I lost my whole world. I got a second chance, but I’m afraid I’m going to loose it all again.”

“And your dreams?” Loki asks quietly.

“Variations on a theme. Sometimes you’re one of the soldiers under my command who gets shot or steps on a mine. Sometimes we’re on the train Bucky fell from, only it’s you falling or, worse, both of you. This one…” Steve swallows. “In this one we were on the plane with Red Skull heading to New York. But when that…cube,” he chokes out, “activates, Red Skull grabs you and takes you with him to wherever the hell he went.”

Loki looks into Steve’s impossibly blue eyes. “Oh Captain, My Captain, you’re not going to lose me that easily. Magic remember?” There’s a twinkle in his eye that makes his Captain smile.

“Right about now, Tony would say something to make us all laugh,” Clint notes.

Bruce looks at the archer and casually says, “You’re his understudy, right? That duty now falls to you.”

“It’s too damn early,” he complains. He sighs. “Rudolph’s nose is red because he got into Santa’s liquor cabinet.”

There is a silent beat before everyone chuckles. “That was bad,” Bruce says.

“Best I could do.”

Bruce raises his cup. “Well here’s to us…and to the family we created.”

“To family,” Clint, Loki, and Steve say together. They all clink cups and take a drink.

“This would work better if we had alcohol,” Clint notes.

Loki replies, “No. It’s perfect.”

“Except we’re missing a few people,” Steve says.

Clint thinks it’s close enough and says so.

“Sun ‘s about to come up,” Bruce observes, gesturing at the terrace.

They head outside. Loki wraps his arms around Steve from behind, and the four men silently watch the sunrise.


End file.
